16. May 2013 10:03
Dating a "SpaceMan" can be frustrating
“Jamie, I like being with you, but you know I need my space.”
These words, spoken by my then heartthrob man, struck terror into my heart. I knew then - on some level - that our relationship was doomed. Coming as it did, after 9 months of intense dating, and many hints of moving in together being dropped (by me), I could tell that the relationship was not going to move smoothly onto the next phase. For me that meant moving in, and becoming an established couple.
Why was the ever-increasing closeness important to me? I felt (like most people) that relationships have to move forward, have to have some momentum. I wanted us to go out into the world standing side-by-side facing forwards, not as two separate men struggling with life’s ups and downs, together, but separate. Without momentum relationships slow down, stagnate and get cold. Eventually, the grass on the other side of the neighbour’s fence starts to look enticingly lush and healthy.
But Andrew (as I’ll call him) obviously didn’t feel the same way.
No – not only did he not want to move in, but he “needed his space”. What did this mean, exactly? It wasn’t easy to find out. He wasn’t a man to articulate his feelings in a clear way; preferring to use hints, innuendo, and behaviour as his way of telling me things. I was just as bad - at the time – I hope I do better now.
Here are some signs I should have picked up earlier, but love blinkered me to the reality. If you’re dating someone who shows the Spaceman signs, beware!
- He wanted to be with me, but he wanted to be in control of when we saw each other. It’s not that he rejected my suggestions for places to go, things to do, it’s just that somehow he managed to always get his way, without me even realising!
- I found it difficult and frustrating to get clear answers on when we would meet, and the length of time we’d spend together.
- He would sometimes stay the night but sometimes (especially after sex) disappear, sometimes in the middle of the night!
- He would not answer my texts immediately, but would get annoyed if I was not there when he rang or texted.
- After a couple of days of intense and wonderful companionship (I thought) he’d be straining at the leash to get back to his own flat
- He invented what I thought were artificial problems with his sister and brother that he just had to be there to sort out – no matter that they were adults themselves and old enough to sort out their own problems
- He delayed and procrastinated on the question of moving in together.
- I was not invited warmly into his circle of friends - he insisted it was healthier to keep our separate groups of friends. Hmm.
There were many other signs that my boyfriend was a Spaceman - just little things that pulled him away from me, when we should have been getting closer. In the end, the inevitable furious arguments began, as our relationship slid away from anything that I could control.
Eventually I had to let it go, to avoid being damaged by this unhealthy relationship. We are good friends today though and I don’t regret our relationship, having realised it wasn’t right for either of us. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and it was time to see if I couldn’t hook one or two of them. Next time, I vowed, my boyfriend wouldn’t be a spaceman, and our close encounters would be really close – for all the right reasons.
26. October 2012 00:12
You got the guy, you got the date, now get real!
You've got the date. You've got the place. You've got the guy. Now get real! You can still balls up your entire night if you're not careful! Use our handy guide to avoid dating doom and disaster, and come out the next morning smelling of roses :-)
- Flying without a licence. Double check that zip after your trip to the lav.
- Getting pissed. Watch what you're drinking, nervo-boy.
- Crooked teeth. Get yourself down to the fang-wrencher's and get your gnashers sorted!
- Spaghetti bolognese. A meal designed by Italians specifically to embarrass Brits.
- Bill-haggling. Use your negotiating skills in the boardroom, not in the restaurant.
- Politics. Go carefully. If you're a yogurt-knitting lefty, perhaps your date is a fox-hunting true-blue. Best find this out gradually.
- Religion. Is the Pope a Catholic? If you're not sure, consider shutting up about the Big Sky-Daddy.
- Waiters do not need to be summoned by snapping one's fingers.
- Over-perfuming. Cologne is supposed to add to your subtle allure, not create a cloying cloud of noxious fumes.
- Naffoid ringtones. You might think your jingly-jungly ringtone is hysterical. The rest of the world probably doesn't. Turn it down, or preferably, off.
- Splash-back from the urinal. Make extra careful, when you're making water.
- Gadget willy-waving. Just because you have the latest iPhone, doesn't mean the whole world needs to see it!
- Bum-watching. Concentrate on your date, not the waiter's arse!
- Smoking. If you find yourself outside on the pavement more than you're inside gazing into his eyes, you gotta problem buddy.
- Ex-boyfriends. They're exes for a reason. Leave them there.
- Bill-splitting. Who asked who out? If it was you, just pay the bill!
- The after-the-gym date. Can be nice, but make sure you hit the shower after.
- Blogging. So you've got a blog? Use your date as a date, not as material.
- Facebook check-in. You might want the world to know you're in a swanky Soho eatery. Your date might not! Leave Facebook alone!
- Grindr. OMG, log out of there - you don't want a random guy eyeing you up.
- Stubble. One man's stubble is another man's rampant bootsy tramp/comedy pirate beard. Invest in a good stubble razor.
- Salary-talk. Avoid.
- Judging. Avoid judging your date, lest ye be judged.
- Slagging. So your best friend/flatmate/ex has just done something unforgiveable - like leaving the butter out of the frdge. Probably best to avoid conversation about the petty annoyances of your close friendships.
- Poppers. Not now for God's sake!
- Clean shoes. Shoe polish is your best friend.
- Sarcasm. Lowest form of wit, half-wit.
- Teeth-clanking. Kissing is supposed to be pleasant - not require a trip to the dentists the next morning.
Oh, and one more.
16. May 2012 00:49
Gay dating in London is thriving with men from all over the world collecting in our capital to meet and take advantage of the relatively open and supportive community here. Whether you are younger or older, out and proud or in the closet, bi, Trans or queer, there is a place for you here in London and destinations to meet other LGBT folks on and off the London gay scene.
With mainstream clubs like Heaven and G.A.Y., or traditional gay hang-outs like Old Compton Street in Soho, the gay community in London is well established and diverse. Soho offers rainbow-flagged restaurants, bars and clubs to cater for a myriad of tastes and budgets, and can provide you with fun, company and new experiences galore.
Many people like to meet potential boyfriends online instead of simply hanging out in gay venues to see who is there, and this can be a great way of letting people know what you are looking for. Here at www.gaydatingagency.com we cater for men who are looking for potential relationships as opposed to quick hook-ups, and can help you navigate London’s hectic gay dating scene.
If you are looking for no-strings fun then it may not be hard to find, and protection is the key to approaching gay dating in London. But, if you are looking for a soul-mate, a potential father with whom to bring up a family or simply someone great to spend quality time with away from the lively crowd, it may take a little more patience to find the man who can give you what you are looking for.
A well thought out profile on a gay dating site can offer you the space and time to choose who you wish to meet and where you want to meet them. Always submit genuine, recent photos and a truthful description of your likes and dislikes when you create a profile on a dating site; this will help you to avoid wasting time and maximise your chances of meeting the right man.
Gay dating in London can be great fun when approached with a clear idea of what is right for you and what you have to offer. London is a hub of gay activists and campaigners, who can be hugely thoughtful and intelligent with diverse ideas on how to date, live and love as a gay man in London.
London Gay Pride Festival, the biggest UK Pride event, attracts thousands of people each year who take part in an enormous street party and host events covering many different aspects of gay life. Pride can be a great time to meet people but also just to celebrate the evolution of the gay community in London from its pioneering roots to the cultural heavy-hitter it is today.
However you choose to approach gay dating in London, be safe, have fun and keep in mind what you are really, truly looking for – there is someone out there for everyone and London is a great place to enjoy the search.
6. April 2012 18:39
Jersey just got a bit more beautiful
In Jersey up until this April, it was not possible for gay couples to obtain a civial partnership or have adoption rights. This situation changed on 2-April.
Because law in Jersey and mainland UK differ, the position in Jersey had taken some time to catch up.
The civil partnership law allow gay couples to adopt children, open joint bank accounts, claim joint pensions, enjoy inheritance rights, in the same way as married straight couples.
GayDatingAgency.com says congratulations to all gay couples in Jersey. We hope that you will meet the man of your dreams right here on GayDatingAgency.com and use the opportunity to claim your rights as a recognised couple.
12. March 2012 16:47
Let me marry who I love
No sooner had I blogged about how the church does not own marriage than Equalities Minister Lynne Featherstone came out and said exactly the same thing. Makes you wonder if she'd been reading my blog!
Anyway the debate on gay marriage is raging and my non-scientific analysis makes me feel that the wind of change is in the air. For example if you read the forums on the BBC News site you'll see the highest rated posts are those that are strongly and firmly pro gay marriage. On other less liberal sites, such as the Daily Telegraph and Daily Mail, the voices are more varied. The problem for the anti-choice brigade is that our arguments are simple, obvious, and logically consistent. However in the last few weeks several reactionary representatives of religion have come out kicking and screaming. Here is a summary of their arguments. I'll point out the logical fallacies or factual inaccuracies which defeat each one.
- They say religion owns marriage. We say it doesn't.
- They claim marriage has been defined through Christianity. We say it hasn't.
- They say that marriage, as in one man and one woman, is an institution dating back thousands of years. It is but this kind of argument (is = ought) is a logical fallacy.
- They say that gay marriage will destabilise society. How? It won't affect the rates of heterosexual marriage one iota.
- They say that marriage is defined in the Bible as a union between one man and one woman. Well maybe, but they don't say why this should remain the case.
- They say that marriage between a man and a woman is "blessed". This implies that love between one man and another is not sacred, but profance. That's just homophobia.
- They say that the institution of marriage will be diminished if we allow gay marriage. We say, more marriage means more marriage, not less.
- They say goverments do not have rights to redefine marriage. We say governments, as elected representatives of the people have exactly that right. What's more the church itself has been happy to redefine marriage (for example by permitting divorced people to marry again).
Don't let bigotry and hatred get in the way of love and marriage. Sign the petition for the Coalition for Equal Marriage. I did.
17. February 2012 14:55
This week in the Court of Appeal, Christian hoteliers Peter and Hazelmary Bull have lost their right to discriminate against a gay couple who are legally married (alright then, in a civil partnership if you must).
It was a horrible case of blatant religious homophobia and intolerance, of the most insulting and demeaning kind. Yet we can't help but feel a little sorry for this couple. For a start, running a business which involves giving your home over to strangers is kind of an odd way to earn a living. Most B&B owners still regard their properties as their homes first and foremost, and a business second. And we all cherish the right to disallow whomever we like from crossing our threshold. But the ability to discriminate against gay people isn't part of that deal. If you decide to open a B&B in your home you give up your right to provide services on a partial and discriminatory way. Clearly this couple didn't understand that offering services to all equally is part of the deal. They only have themselves to blame for that.
There's another uncomfortable side to this story. In the Christians-as-victims narrative that's taking place in the UK at the moment, small test cases like this one are routinely backed up by big-money organisations - in this case the Christian Institute. They seek to portray such cases as Christian beliefs being trampled by political correctness and equality. On the other side of the coin Stonewall have provided backup to the gay couple in question. Big names, big money involved and lots at stake. Thank God that freedom from intolerance and discrimination won out this time.
But we can't help feeling that without the backing of the big guns - this case would not have made the news, and may have even been settled to everybody's satisfaction amicably. So much for peach, love and understanding.
14. February 2012 21:46
Gay marriage is hardly out of the news at the moment. In our view, civil partnerships are not very civil while they still offer different life choices to straight couples than to gay couples. Love should not come with caveats attached. If civil partnership has the same legal rights as marriage, then we should able to call it marriage.
Important strides have been made towards gay marriage recently. David Cameron said "I don't support gay marriage in spite of being a Conservative. I support gay marriage because I am a Conservative." Aligning the Tories so explicitly with the rights of gay couples to use the M-word shows something new is in the air. So much for the top brass. But rank and file Tory MPs are still in many cases against gay marriage and threatening to derail the law. Where does the objection spring from? Who exactly is stopping us using from this most loving of words? Step forward, the Church.
The Christian establishment is fearful of extending rights to gay couples. They have banned civil partnership ceremonies in C of E churches1. This is because "marriage" is defined in the Bible as being a union (given by God) that can only exist between a man and a woman2. Well, we ask, who owns the word marriage in today's world? And why should the Church have ownership over it? As gay people who want to live and love in today's society we should strive to de-couple the word "marriage" from religious overtones and reclaim it for use by all equally.
We reclaimed the word "gay". We reclaimed "queer". Now we should stake a claim to the word "married".
13. December 2011 15:18
Nest-sharing, fish-loving, flipper-sporting gay penguins Pedro and Buddy from Toronto zoo have split! Shock news for those us following their bromance online. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-16153511
17. March 2011 11:22
Hi - the Gay Dating Agency team here. You've probably already noticed we've made some big changes. Here's what happening, and why it is good for you.
What has changed and why
We recognised that the old GDA was getting a bit out of date. It wasn't providing the modern, up-to-date functionality that today's customers have come to expect, and in a way that is accessible and takes full advantage of modern web browsers. We've fixed that by deploying a totally new platform for your site. The new platform will give a much more user-friendly experience, and has many more useful features.
Secondly we're no longer a totally free site. Most of our features are now chargeable. Boo, hiss, I hear you cry. Well, we've been giving away free gay dating for more years than I care to remember, so at least we all had a good shot at it. But running a site like Gay Dating Agency does take an awful amount of manpower. It takes time, trouble, and not inconsiderable expense. So sadly it has become necessary to introduce a charge for the service. But ... (and it's a big but).
We have teamed up with one of the UK's leading gay dating providers (WLD) and thus have access to their entire customer base, which runs to many thousands of members. Far more than we had on the old GDA. All UK-based, all current and up to date, mostly with photos. We know you're going to love that you can now meet so many more guys at GDA. After all, that's what it's all about.
You'll find that customer support requests are now answered far faster, always within 24 hours, as we have brought WLD's customer service department on board. If you experienced delays with the old GDA you won't any more.
We have the power to tell you when new guys in your area have signed up. We'll automatically send you an email alerting you to new prospects in your area. This is a fantastically useful service which we know you're going to love.
Your questions answered
Will my account be automatically transferred to the new Gay Dating Agency?
No. We will not be transferring your data. If you are a member of the old Gay Dating Agency your data is kept with ourselves as usual and will not be transferred in any way.
Why can't I log in using my old login?
Because we have not transferred your account to the new gay dating agency, you can't use your login on the old site. If you want to use the new GDA (and we're sure you will) you'll need to sign up for an account in the normal way. But don't worry about losing your friends and contacts from the old GDA, because:
What if want to carry on using the old Gay Dating Agency?
You can! Simply click the "Loved our old site" link at the top of the page. This will direct you back into the old site, where you can keep up with friends and acquantainces just as you did before. We won't be accepting any new memberships in the old site though. But you are very welcome to continue using to pick up emails, keep appointments, etc.
What if I am a paying member using old Gay Dating Agency?
Your payment is still valid. You can use the old site for as long as you wish. If you have an issue with payments, please do contact us on this address: email@example.com to discuss.
Enjoy your new site!
So please take the time to explore the new gaydatingagency.com. We know you're going to enjoy it, we can't wait to get started, and we look forward to welcoming lots of new friends.
11. February 2011 18:09
Going on a date this week? We present our most important basic tips for you. Don't forget about any of these points, and have a great date!
1. Scrub up nicely
Look your very best - no excuses. Clean and polished shoes? In. Scruffy trainers - definitely out. There's no need to go mad and spend money you don't have - but a new pair of smart jeans or a clean cut shirt can dramatically improve your overall appearance. Charity shop chic might be cool but not on a first date - you're out to impress.
2. Don't forget the hair and makeup
Get down to the hairdressers. Tell them you're going on a date - you might get special treatment!
Ever had a proper barbers' shave? Date day could be a good time to try - it's relaxing and can sooth last-minute nerves not to mention leaving you looking and feeling fab.
Moisturise, morning, noon and night on the day before your first date. You'll wake up with your skin looking its best.
Apply any skin products such as concealer carefully and don't forget to check yourself in a couple of mirrors in different lights.
3. Get a job
Seriously, we're much more fanciable if we're gainfully employed - no matter the profession! You need to be a man with a plan to gain a new fan. Ambition and motivation and hugely desirable qualities.
4. Gen up
Make sure you're aware of what's happening in the world. Read the papers. Watch the news. And I don't just mean the celeb pages. Educate yourself - you'll find yourself at home wherever your date night convo leads you. Intelligence is sooo sexy.
5. Go easy on the booze
It's your first date - you've got the jitters - we've all been there. But keep an eye on what you're drinking this first night - nobody wants to deal with a slobbering wreck at the end of the night. While we're on the subject your local gay bar probably isn't the best venue for your first date. A quiet restaurant might improve the atmosphere.
6. Manners maketh the man
Don't be late. If you absolutely must be late, text with a reason why! Don't expect your date to pay for all the drinks and food. Keep your potty mouth for a night out with the lads - your man doesn't want to hear how good you are at swearing tonight. Keep it romantic. Be kind, polite, and listen to what your man has to say.
7. Pack in smoking.
Just do it.
Talk, sure. But listen too. You might just learn something! Ask questions to draw out interesting aspects of your man's life, in a gentle way. Be appreciative of his opinions. If you find yourself in vehement disagreement, steer the conversation away. He'll understand!
9. Don't expect sex on your first date
You might be lusting after him and horny as hell. But if he's worth seeing, it's worth waiting for. You are capable of waiting!
10. Stay safe
Don't end up as another statistic - obey the basic gay dating rules - meet in a public place. Tell someone where you're going. Go home in a cab - not his car.