Sorry to break the news, but your profile probably sucks. It's sending out all the wrong messages, attracting all the wrong guys, and putting off the lads you really want to get with. I'm going to list 10 ways your profile (probably) sucks.
1. Photo me bad
When it comes to profiles the picture is often the first and worst offender. See this picture of Vladimir Putin (right). It's a good way to kick off our discussion of what makes a bad dating photo. Moobs? Check. Hint of things below the waistline? Check. Distant macho look? Check. All adds up to creepsville though.
And another thing ... please don't put up a picture with you and two hot guys you met in a club. Yes, it depicts a lively social calendar, but to the rest of us it is plain confusing. What happens if I'm attracted to the guy on the right, but the man in the middle just isn't my type? How can I message you and ask which one you are without causing offence? I'll probably just skip over your profile, without even getting to read the witty mildly self-deprecating blurb that took you an entire weekend of procrastinating and gin to lick into shape.
2. Cover me stupid
Another profile picture bugbear of mine is people in sunglasses and/or hats. It looks like you have something to hide. If the eyes are the windows to the soul then I need to see yours before I offer to buy you dinner at Qype. As for hats, personally I like a guy with a distinct widow's peak but a hat just implies you don't like what;s under it which makes me keep scrolling.
3. Pissed off, or just pissed?
It is truly hard to take a good profile picture. You want to look fun, but not sloshed. You want to look natural but not like you have no grooming routine whatsoever. You want to portray that you can be passionate and sexy without looking cheap, yet intelligent and sensitive without resembling Hannibal.
My advice is to simply get a friend to take a picture of you on a typical day out, in natural light and make sure the picture just looks like you. There is no point being overly flattering with profile pictures, because if you do happen to meet that hottie, he is going to be sourly disappointed by the actual goods.
4. Selfie hell
There are some spectacularly bad ways to take a selfie. In the mirror with your unwashed clothes lying about behind you. On the lash with ten pints inside you. With your footie mates. Sitting in front of your laptop with the camera pointing right up your schnozzle. The possibilities for bad selfies are endless, and I've seen them all. Consider having somebody else take your photo.
Great for Facebook, not so much for your dating profile
5. Pride cometh before a fall
These days it's trendy to put up a photo of you larging it up at one of the dozens of Prides around the country. Don't get me wrong, I love Pride as much as anyone, but if I wanted to see a semi-naked man in his pants, well I'd (let's not go into that).
6. When content isn't king
The same can be said about the content of your profile. If you loathe the gym, then don't even pretend that you go. If you get fit clubbing or dog walking or simply prefer sitting around watching art-house films and scoffing homemade delicacies in your Calvin Klein;s then put that on your profile! You're looking for a man who enjoys the same things as you do, and no-one wants the pressure of living up to an impossible profile.
7. Pants on fire
The biggest mistake that most people make is that they don't give an honest opinion of themselves. The glistening profile that portrays a toned Adonis with a Mensa-worthy IQ, a penchant for saving lives and a killer sense of humour is far more likely to put people off who are simply looking for someone genuine to share their evenings with. No-one wants to feel inadequate next to their partner, so the majority of people will skim over the too good to be true profiles. In a mass of people desperately selling themselves with the same clichés, your best bet is to be honest and down-to-earth.
8. Hobby horse
When it comes to hobbies, only put down things that you have done in the last fortnight or the last month at a push. When it comes to personality traits you're better off asking a good friend to fill it in for you. Your dating profile shouldn't depict the person you are working towards becoming, it should represent the very person that you are right now.
9. International man of mystery
It's good to be a bit sexy, after all, in the dating scene, we all expect that a certain amount of bodily fluid will be exchanged at some point. It's OK to be open about your quirks. Anything too personal can come later, when you message one another. Being honest doesn't mean you need to expose every part of yourself just yet, hold on to some sense of decorum and shroud your profile in just enough mystery to make people want to know more.
10. Keeping it real
The basic rule is, don't make anything up as it won't end happily. Yet don't feel the need to be too self-deprecating or modest, everyone else out there will be selling themselves a little so add a touch of sparkle and show your best side but hold on to your integrity and your prince will come.
Now, log in and go and review your profile and delete anything that sucks and replace it with stuff that's irresistable. I know you can!