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30 Ways to Lose Your Lover

by Jamie Banning 26. October 2012 00:12
Gay couple in restaurant
You got the guy, you got the date, now get real!

You've got the date. You've got the place. You've got the guy. Now get real! You can still balls up your entire night if you're not careful! Use our handy guide to avoid dating doom and disaster, and come out the next morning smelling of roses :-)

  1. Flying without a licence. Double check that zip after your trip to the lav.
  2. Getting pissed. Watch what you're drinking, nervo-boy.
  3. Crooked teeth. Get yourself down to the fang-wrencher's and get your gnashers sorted!
  4. Ear-hair.
  5. Nose-hair.
  6. Spaghetti bolognese. A meal designed by Italians specifically to embarrass Brits.
  7. Bill-haggling. Use your negotiating skills in the boardroom, not in the restaurant. 
  8. Politics. Go carefully. If you're a yogurt-knitting lefty, perhaps your date is a fox-hunting true-blue. Best find this out gradually.
  9. Religion. Is the Pope a Catholic? If you're not sure, consider shutting up about the Big Sky-Daddy.  
  10. Waiters do not need to be summoned by snapping one's fingers. 
  11. Over-perfuming. Cologne is supposed to add to your subtle allure, not create a cloying cloud of noxious fumes.
  12. Naffoid ringtones. You might think your jingly-jungly ringtone is hysterical. The rest of the world probably doesn't. Turn it down, or preferably, off.
  13. Splash-back from the urinal. Make extra careful, when you're making water.  
  14. Gadget willy-waving. Just because you have the latest iPhone, doesn't mean the whole world needs to see it!
  15. Bum-watching. Concentrate on your date, not the waiter's arse!
  16. Smoking. If you find yourself outside on the pavement more than you're inside gazing into his eyes, you gotta problem buddy.
  17. Ex-boyfriends. They're exes for a reason. Leave them there. 
  18. Bill-splitting. Who asked who out? If it was you, just pay the bill!
  19. The after-the-gym date. Can be nice, but make sure you hit the shower after.
  20. Blogging. So you've got a blog? Use your date as a date, not as material. 
  21. Facebook check-in. You might want the world to know you're in a swanky Soho eatery. Your date might not! Leave Facebook alone!
  22. Grindr. OMG, log out of there - you don't want a random guy eyeing you up. 
  23. Stubble. One man's stubble is another man's rampant bootsy tramp/comedy pirate beard. Invest in a good stubble razor.
  24. Salary-talk. Avoid.
  25. Judging. Avoid judging your date, lest ye be judged.
  26. Slagging. So your best friend/flatmate/ex has just done something unforgiveable - like leaving the butter out of the frdge. Probably best to avoid conversation about the petty annoyances of your close friendships.
  27. Poppers. Not now for God's sake!
  28. Clean shoes. Shoe polish is your best friend. 
  29. Sarcasm. Lowest form of wit, half-wit.
  30. Teeth-clanking. Kissing is supposed to be pleasant - not require a trip to the dentists the next morning.
Oh, and one more. 
  • Comedy condoms.

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