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Dating an Older Guy

by Jamie Banning 24. April 2013 15:01
Gay Dating an Older Guy
The pleasures and pitfalls of hooking an older fella

Hi guys. Just wanted to share some thoughts on inter-generational dating. It seems to be something that many of my contemporaries are into. And let's be clear - it's perfectly normal to be attracted to a much older guy - it doesn't mean you have unresolved dad issues or anything. But sometimes it can lead to pitfalls. So I've done a very unscientific survey of some fellas, and here's what I found. 

Age difference makes a difference. They might say "age ain't nothing but a number", but there's more to it than that. If you're a 20-year old guy dating a 40-year guy, this might not raise too many eyebrows. But if you're a 30-year old dating someone in their 60's, that's when people around you start going "Hmmm". The older guy is an established fella in society. He has the house, the car, the career, maybe even the kids. Whereas the younger guy has all this in front of him. So Mr Young is gonna have to fit into Mr Middle-Aged's life - it's not going to happen the other way around.

That said, for a successful inter-generational relationship, it's vital that the younger man is comfortable with his position in the relationship and is treated as an equal. Some questions to ask yourself: "Do I feel comfortable with voicing my beliefs and opinions to my man?" "Do I feel valued as a person in this relationship?" "Do I have the right to call the shots half the time?" "Do they respect my choices of friends, interests?" Whilst it's good to take things spontaneously and to trust, it's also worthwhile asking yourself frankly why you feel this much older guy wants to go out with you. Is it because of who you are, or what you are?

Life expectations make all the difference, and the younger guy is more likely to want things to change and develop, whilst the older guy is more likely to want things to stay the same, in his comfort zone. As my friend Loz told me: "When I was 28 I dated a guy in his 50s. He was fit and active, but his idea of a great weekend would be a visit to IKEA followed by a cup of tea, whereas I was still in full-on party mode at that age". 

People are judgemental: friends, family, colleagues, they all have their private opinions. Many don't look kindly on an older guy dating a spring-chicken. They think he's out for what he can get, and may judge him as predatory and not having your best interests at heart. You may have to spend time and energy countering these prejudices, instead of putting the time and energy into your relationship.

Jealousy: young people never get this, but older people are jealous of them. Of their looks, their energy, their enthusiasm, their friends. Older guys can become possessive and jealous. As my other friend Jeremy told me: "My guy was cool, but he wanted to contain me. He wanted to meet and hang out with all my friends, but he would get moody and silent afterwards, as he was churning with jealousy inside as he saw what he could no longer be. I tried to comfort him and be sensitive towards these feelings. He appreciated that but I could see where he was coming from!"

Sex can turn into a minefield: let's face the older a guy gets the less interested in and capable of having sex he becomes. Love and friendship he may have in spades, but a high sex-drive? Not so much. 

OK there are the stark negatives. But GayDatingAgency is all about looking at life through a positive lens, so let's go through some of the joys and pleasures. 

People can change at any age: for the older guy, seeing a younger man can bring about a real change in his life. He can recapture some of the enthusiasm and joy he had when he was in his 20s. 

Experience is there for taking: you can't beat the older man for introducing you to the world - there is the thrill of shared travel, culture, music and art - things you might never have discovered. Grab the opportunity with both hands and learn all you can from the older, more experienced man. 

You only live once: life is all about taking chances. Agonising over what others may think is not a productive use of your time. Allow yourself to fall in love, it's what you deserve. 

The main thing to remember is that dating anybody is just fine providing that both people are respectful and sensitive to their partner's needs. For the older guy this means giving your young buck space, not trying to manipulate, contain or change him. For the younger guy this means understanding that those extra years have brought experience, wisdom and sometimes caution. Be respectful, knows each other's boundaries. And have a great life together. 

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